It’s been almost two years since I left my Narcissistic/Borderline Personality Disorder relationship. One of the most painful parts was having to physically leave the place that I loved -- my home -- because I knew after many years that if I stayed physically in the same place as him I would always be manipulated back into the same crap. I’m reading and writing because, even though I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, kind person now, I still feel haunted and often have dreams that make me relive the pain over and over again.
I have been perplexed because it’s been so long. I should be over it, right? Well, I’m not and I feel guilty and weak that I’m not over it. Right after I left this man, he swooped up one of my good friends and she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough and that perhaps she is but I know now, from lots of therapy, that there is no good match for a narcissist! She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here, ultimately I feel pity on her.
I just wanted to thank all of you who have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still. All of this has helped me feel okay about where I’m at and helped me to see how damaging these people and relationships can really be. I don’t have to feel so crazy and weak anymore about still reeling from this experience.
Research the characteristics of “real” Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social Personality Disorder! It’s not just someone who thinks they’re pretty awesome and likes to look at themselves in the mirror. It’s so much more.
Our society’s casual idea of what narcissism is, is not the reality! They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. You feel like you can’t go on without them because they have groomed you to feel that way. That’s not real, even though you feel physically ill and overly fearful at the thought of leaving. I promise that it will never end! It is impossible for them to change because the type of disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they never will be able to.
So ultimately, please hear my advice. I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult.
Buy yourself a plane ticket to somewhere safe and as far away as possible like your life depends on it, because it does! Even if it means leaving everything you love and where you want to be. Stop believing that you’re not beautiful enough, strong enough, smart enough, skinny enough, etc. It’s a lie! They need you to feel that way so they can keep you there to keep supplying them with what their disorder needs to survive.
Remember, they are not well -- they are mentally ill. You cannot expect “normal” behavior from them, so stop trying!
Love yourself and don’t look back. Lots of love and kind regards to all of you.